i remember the boy

18 months after i broke up with him, 15 months since we were friendly, 12 months after we fought over something and never talked to each other again (mostly because i couldn't and wouldn't), we found ourselves 300 miles on opposite ends of a telephone call. i had been intending to speak with him for the longest time but i waited and waited because i didn't want our talk to be fake or half-baked. when he gave me that painting last month, i had been tempted but not quite. i was preoccupied with someone else then. when i heard from the grapevine that he was leaving the country and not going to be back for 3 years, i just knew we had to have a talk. he's leaving in a few days so last night, i asked him to call me. No, more like, i dialled his number, while rapid beat my heart (what am i gonna say to him???) but he didn't answer in time, so he called back and we talked for 53 minutes.

it wasn't THE TALK that i anticipated. There was much more drama in my imagined conversation. I was prepared for accusations and resentments, mine and his. I also thought we'd have a lot of things settled. This is what happened. I did ____ because i wanted ______ but i didn't want to hurt you. I felt ____ when you _____ and so on. I thought we'd take turns saying those lines.

But we did no such thing. Instead, i listened while he talked. and talked. and talked. (he hasn't changed!) It pleased me and annoyed me. It pleased me because it saved me from having to say anything because I couldn't summon the energy to start the serious talk. But it annoyed me because he could feel so comfortable going on and on about his work, his family, his future plans, his passions, his frustrations and I couldn't do the same.

Actually he asked about me. About my life now. But I only said two lines each about work and family. I knew he wanted to ask if there's somebody new. But I said nothing and changed the topic. I don't know why I didn't talk. All the time that he did, at the back of my mind i was thinking, I used to know all about these. Every detail. It hasn't been 2 years since, but I am amazed how things have changed and continued. It seemed so long ago, from another life. It was sad and sadder that again, i couldn't bring myself to cry.

Before I ever had a romantic relationship, i used to ask an (aquarian) guy friend who changed girlfriends almost every year, "What does it feel like, meeting one of your exes along the school corridor, knowing that you shared many intimate moments, stories, lovemakings, conversations and problems and challenges, and laughter, and now you can hardly manage to smile at each other? How does it feel? How does it happen? " I can't remember what he said, it couldn't have been that special. (He was just being a guy, hehe.) I guess it's one of the saddest feelings but it happens all the time. So. In the end, we just wished each other well and told each other to take care. Maybe we're not having that talk ever. Maybe someday it won't even really matter.