hehehe

During the weekend, I was composing in my mind (again!) my long-overdue blogpost about this friend and my frustration that he can’t see the point.

I analyzed and analyzed his emotional "inadequacies" and at times I'd find myself exclaiming "i used to do that!" or "yikes, that was so me!" or "ngee ganyan din pala ako dati."

Im talking about being too defensive and stubborn and gaga-gaga. Hehehe.

This is me. You can’t change me, my friend said that when his friendship issues were challenged. I am tempted to shake him up and utter his favorite line "but the only permanent thing in this world is change". Only now I am reminded of myself when I was in highschool when my sister-in-law would (lovingly) criticize me for being this and that and I’d say “but manang, this is my nature, I can’t help it.”

In college, when my bf (then) would complain about the way I do something, or the way I am, I’d raise my eyebrow (I think) and smugly say, “why don’t you breakup with me, then?” Yikes. Shameless. :-D

And that is why when I read that line in the book Instances of Number 3, I always assumed I was so much better than my husband… I remembered how I always felt superior over Enrico. That i was more mature, more courageous, more sensible, more understanding, more objective, more level-headed. I was stronger. And then it occurred to me that I did have my share of shortcomings. I was too stubborn, sometimes absurdly so. Temperamental. And a bit self-destructive.

I really hate it when harsh words are hurled at me unnecessarily, just to prove a point, just to emphasize offense. They say sarcasm is the lowest form of insult (or something) and I've always tried to control myself but I can't help it, I can also be really sarcastic. And say the most hurtful words. I shouldn't be proud of it, but sometimes I take a twisted sense of pleasure that I am that. Sshhh.

When the friend says If it bothers people too much that I dont show up, then fine, dont invite me. And maybe it's best that i dont commit ever, I think about how I always dread having a misunderstanding with a friend. In grade school, highschool, college. Especially if it's my fault. I was always too scared to make the first move so that many's the time when I'd condition myself to just let the friendship go. Now, my childhood was almost perfect and my parents love me so they can't be blamed in any way if I have a problem in conflict resolution.

It's silly but Im too shy to say Im sorry. And rarely because of pride. Most of the time, because it just feels awkward and corny. Yikes. Also, I don’t want to be apologizing and not really meaning it. Or if i know im just gonna do it again anyway. So if I apologize to you, it means I have really thought about it, I am comfortable saying it, and I am my best self at that moment. :-D

Im quite sure I have grown up, but sometimes I wonder what my future self will be thinking about the me who lives now. Perhaps my future better self will be more kind to my dear sister who loves me and tolerate me even when I'm mean and bratty.

Funny how sometimes I go on and on analyzing people and as I speak I am aware that I know only because I am or have been that too.

There, sometimes, it’s nice to wallow in your own imperfection, especially when you know you like yourself anyway. ;-D