aquarius, the water bearer

In the Stepford Wives, Nicole is at her best.

This is a well-made movie and i hope everyone has watched, though i share with a few people questions like, what's the point of the mannequins/shell, but nevermind.

It's so depressing to watch the women being turned into robots to serve their husbands, to cook and clean for them and be made to enjoy every minute of it!!! Domestic subservience as ultimate wifely virtue. The procedure, the act, the concept, it's sooo inhuman and simply cruel!!! I can't take that kind of violation. tsk.

I also hate the implication that success in career is often at the expense of a nourishing marriage/relationship with another person. Basta.

The character of glenn close invented the whole thing, constructed a man-robot because she felt overworked, overstressed yet underloved. she wanted a perfect man. at her beck-and-call. I feel so sorry for her. It's sad.
I'm not looking or waiting for the perfect man to be with. For a long time now, i haven't associated my ultimate life goal to wearing a bridal gown and becoming a perfect wife/partner/lover. NO, i dont hate married couples. and if they're happy which is not an impossiblity, then im happy too. :-) But i would hate to be in any arrangement where i have to set aside my self (my skills and talent whatever they may amount to, hehe) or change myself to promote another--the 'significant other', to just be the wind beneath his wings, tsk tsk.

I do however, occassionaly dream of spending more time with an adored guy and my everyday joys and sorrows, butterflies or acids in my stomach, fun and frustrations, cloud 9s or confusion can very well be affected by the male species.

But if I were to be deeply involved with a man, (as I am involved with my friendships), I would like it to be fun and nurturing.

I am so so tired of this certain interaction with a special someone. Today, I said to myself, I want to be able to sing some of those mushy, hasty love songs and absolutely mean it.

I am weary of problematizing him. i am running out of patience and sympathy. i want to move on.

Many times in the past months, i think about an ex-lover and get amazed at how completely over him i feel. and yet, it pisses me because it doesn't really matter, i want to get over this current obsession.

i've been worried about my teenage niece because she's starting to like, love another and i don't know how far i can trust her to always put herself, her welfare first. But recently, i got to thinking, maybe it's ME that i can't trust.

i want to be able to stop melting each time he reconnects and apologizes.
i want to be able to not forget past conflicts each time he decides he wants us to be good to each other again.
i want to be able to stop wanting to help him get out of his rut.
i want to stay angry for a little longer. i want to be un-reachable. i want to ignore his messages and phone calls.
i want to stop giving in to his childish emotional appeals.
i want to not get affected by the unique way the damned guy says my name.
i want to give him a hard time, to let him earn my forgiveness, my friendship, my love.
i want to stop believing that we can ever go back to those early months of fun and laughter, of friendship, of tenderness and affection.
i want to believe that he's NOT THE ONLY MAN who has the f****** ability to TOUCH MY SOUL in this lifetime.

i dont want to settle for the kind of troubled happiness with him; nor do i want a make-believe, manipulated happiness with a robot.

My favorite quote which im still trying to fully internalize comes from one of the stories in the compilation of The Bitch in the House, called A Man in My Heart and it goes something like...

No matter how much a man fascinates you, if you can’t relax around him or cant speak your mind, it isnt going to work for very long—great sex or no. And no matter how many poems he writes you, no matter how well he kisses, no matter how often he says he adores you, if he happens to add in the next breath “if you’d just change this one thing…”, forget it.